I think we all have some of those moments that damage our ego and self-confidence to a point that it's very difficult to overcome. Especially when they happen during childhood and you are not equipped to process them and move on. They become somewhat of a life-changer.
When I was in the sixth grade I had the biggest crush on an older boy that lived in my neighborhood. He didn't treat me any differently than the other girls my age but since he was nice to me, my mind and heart ran with it. I thought he liked me more than the other girls. I thought I had a chance. The simple fact that I was 12 and he was 15 never crossed my mind as "not going happen". I was 12 and dreaming of a fairy tale.
When it came time to "graduate" from the sixth grade and head to middle school, the school provided these autograph books for your friends to sign. We passed them around and filled them with memories and words of encouragement. One day I had the brilliant idea that I'd ask my crush to sign my autograph book. While I would ask for some simple words, I hoped for some declaration of love that I'd have forever.
Imagine my surprise when he agreed and somewhat happily to boot. He took my book home and said he'd return it the next day. All night long my mind entertained the kind words, hearts and forever memory I'd have. I was so happy and excited that I couldn't wait until the next day.
The next day he returned it as promised. I made it seem like no big deal but ran home to read what he'd written. The note was written in a spiral pattern and I did see a heart near his signature. My heart started to race and I'm sure I was grinning from ear-to-ear. I started to read and the greeting was "Dear Fat Ass". From there it went on to wish me and my fat ass good luck and warned against some legendary bad influences. Each sentence contained the words "Fat Ass" and with each word, my heart broke more and more. I started to cry and was very thankful I didn't read it in front of him.
Here it is 28 years later and I still remember that and believe that it did contribute negatively to my self-esteem and self-love. I wasn't a slim girl but I also wasn't huge. Was I larger than the other girls? Yes. But I was also taller and active. I had a lot of friends. I couldn't understand why he would be so mean and say such awful things.
Now that I'm older I can see that he was a jerk. I can look at his home life (no father and his mom worked a lot) and understand that he was hurting too. But when I was 12, those words meant everything to me. And now, they are a part of how I define myself. I look in the mirror and think "Fat Ass". I quickly correct myself and try to let go of that bad talk. I'm not mad at him. He was a teenage boy who didn't know better.
However, some damage has been done and I still remember it so vividly. I need to not allow some words that were said so long ago be a part of who I am. I need them to not creep up when my defenses are down.
Hopefully this blog helps with that. I don't know that I've ever told anyone this story as it is embarrassing. I'm hoping that getting it out there finally releases me from it. It does not define me. Those words are just words that were said by a hurting teenage boy. I'm beautiful. I'm successful. And my ass may be fat but I'm working on it.
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