Fat A$$

I think we all have some of those moments that damage our ego and self-confidence to a point that it's very difficult to overcome.  Especially when they happen during childhood and you are not equipped to process them and move on.  They become somewhat of a life-changer.

When I was in the sixth grade I had the biggest crush on an older boy that lived in my neighborhood.  He didn't treat me any differently than the other girls my age but since he was nice to me, my mind and heart ran with it.  I thought he liked me more than the other girls.  I thought I had a chance.  The simple fact that I was 12 and he was 15 never crossed my mind as "not going happen".  I was 12 and dreaming of a fairy tale.

When it came time to "graduate" from the sixth grade and head to middle school, the school provided these autograph books for your friends to sign.  We passed them around and filled them with memories and words of encouragement.   One day I had the brilliant idea that I'd ask my crush to sign my autograph book.  While I would ask for some simple words, I hoped for some declaration of love that I'd have forever.

Imagine my surprise when he agreed and somewhat happily to boot.  He took my book home and said he'd return it the next day.  All night long my mind entertained the kind words, hearts and forever memory I'd have.  I was so happy and excited that I couldn't wait until the next day.

The next day he returned it as promised.  I made it seem like no big deal but ran home to read what he'd written.  The note was written in a spiral pattern and I did see a heart near his signature.  My heart started to race and I'm sure I was grinning from ear-to-ear.  I started to read and the greeting was "Dear Fat Ass".  From there it went on to wish me and my fat ass good luck and warned against some legendary bad influences. Each sentence contained the words "Fat Ass" and with each word, my heart broke more and more.  I started to cry and was very thankful I didn't read it in front of him.

Here it is 28 years later and I still remember that and believe that it did contribute negatively to my self-esteem and self-love.  I wasn't a slim girl but I also wasn't huge.  Was I larger than the other girls?  Yes.  But I was also taller and active.  I had a lot of friends.  I couldn't understand why he would be so mean and say such awful things.

Now that I'm older I can see that he was a jerk.  I can look at his home life (no father and his mom worked a lot) and understand that he was hurting too.  But when I was 12, those words meant everything to me.  And now, they are a part of how I define myself.  I look in the mirror and think "Fat Ass".  I quickly correct myself and try to let go of that bad talk.  I'm not mad at him.  He was a teenage boy who didn't know better.
However, some damage has been done and I still remember it so vividly.  I need to not allow some words that were said so long ago be a part of who I am.  I need them to not creep up when my defenses are down.  
Hopefully this blog helps with that.  I don't know that I've ever told anyone this story as it is embarrassing.  I'm hoping that getting it out there finally releases me from it.  It does not define me.  Those words are just words that were said by a hurting teenage boy.  I'm beautiful.  I'm successful.  And my ass may be fat but I'm working on it.

Comparisons

I am not sure who said it but there is a quote that goes something like "Comparison is the thief of joy.".  How true is that!!  If we are constantly comparing ourselves to others and coming up less than them, how can we be happy or proud?

There is this lovely Mom that I run into fairly frequently since our kids attend the same schools and play basketball at the Y.  She is very kind, nice and pretty.  She seems to always have her hair done and make-up applied.  Her kids always look sharp and orderly.  I really do like her but man, am I jealous.  I find myself wishing that I had it together like her.  She never seems rushed and I envy that.

I often find myself thinking "Why can't I be more like her?"  And from there I begin feeling that I'm less and then get down on myself.   It's a vicious cycle that I get wrapped in too often.  I've been trying to break it by realizing some pretty important points:

• I'm human and not perfect.  
• That other Mom is human and not perfect.  I see her for a few short moments.  I put a lot of weight into those short moments.
• I have a full-time career.  She is a stay-at-home Mom.  I'm not saying her job is easy, because it's not.  I think the difference between us is that I often have conference calls scheduled right up to the time I have to rush out of the door.  And sometimes I work an insane  number of hours and I choose sleep over make-up and hair.
• My boys are dreamers and a bit hard to stay focused because of it.  There is nothing wrong with this.  I need to let them be boys and be themselves.
• I have never been completely organized.  I'm working on it but there's definitely room for improvement.
• I am a procrastinator.  
• I don't sweat the small stuff.  

This list isn't a list of good or bad things about me.  It's just a list of how I operate and who I am.  The point is that I'm comparing myself to a woman who is different and has a different life.  What point is there to this comparison?  It's not apples to apples and unfair to me.  

Remembering this list and thinking about the things I'm really good at help give me perspective.  And just think, there is probably someone out that comparing themselves to me and thinking I have it all together.  While I may have it better than some, the thing is that it's not a contest and as long as I'm happy and my family is happy and I'm taking care of my business, I'm good.  No, scratch that.  I'm better than good.  

Accepting Compliments

I was given a compliment today.  One of the teachers at my son's school commented on how beautiful my eyes are.  She had never noticed since up until last week, I have always worn glasses.  I was shocked by the compliment and thanked her.  But as a drove away I started thinking about her compliment.  Things like "Am I hiding behind the glasses?", "How many other people are just now noticing my eyes?" and "Should I wear more eye make-up?" flooded my mind.

Once I caught myself analyzing this compliment, I forced myself to stop.  I told myself to smile and own the compliment.  I do have a unique color to my eyes.   My freckles are cute.  And it's okay to be noticed and complimented.

There's no need to change my make-up.  There's no point in berating myself because I sometimes wear glasses and am "hiding" my eyes.   Having beautiful eyes doesn't mean that the rest of me is a mess.

I have accepted and owned the compliment.  It put a little spring in my step and I'm going to be sure to compliment others more as it really does feel good.

Getting Started

I'm not sure where this blog will go but I feel I need to share this experience.  I'm one of those people that have always struggled with feeling they are worthy of love, self-love and kindness.  But I'm not one of those people that has had some overly traumatic circumstance or experience that has caused feelings of inadequacy.  I have had love around me while growing up and as an adult.  I have a successful career.  I have two healthy, happy and amazing sons.  I'm a nice person and work hard.  I give back and help where I can.

However at the back of my mind there is always self-doubt and a feeling that I'm not good enough.  I've felt like this for as long as I can remember.  Logically I see how incorrect these feelings are but emotionally, I have not been able to shake it.  I believe this underlying lack of self-love is holding me back.  It's stopped me from taking care of myself and as a result I'm overweight.  It's stopped me from real intimacy in personal relationships and that contributed to my marriage falling apart.

It's time to work through what's at the root of this and become the best person I can be.  I want my boys to see a mother that loves herself and them unconditionally.  A woman that has self-worth and confidence.  A role model for how they should behave and treat themselves.

I am terrified.  I don't know what I'm going to unearth in this project.  I'd like to say I'm a little excited but I'm not.  I'm hopeful though.  I feel strongly that this is what I have to do and when I have to do it.

Well, here goes everything....